Looking Back and Looking Forwards

Twelve months ago I thought my biggest challenge in 2015 was going to be completing a triathlon. It was hands down my biggest worry, far ahead of the new job I was about to start. I also thought 2015 was going to be my year – I was very much on the new job, new challenges, new start bandwagon. All of which goes to show you should not trust my fortune-telling skills.

The past year has been the hardest of my life, both personally and professionally, and I’ve been challenged in ways I never thought possible. Turning 30 felt very adult and far off last January but by the time I made it to August I felt every one of my 30 years. There have been times this year when I’ve felt one hundred. Making an appointment for the vet to come and put our beautiful dog to sleep, less than six weeks after we’d last walked up a mountain with him, was by far and away the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and it’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever quite get over. Watching Andy struggle with anxiety and depression, ultimately something that led to him losing his job, was equally heartbreaking, mostly because there was almost nothing I could do to help.

Professionally, my shiny new job has had perhaps the steepest learning curve I’ve ever experienced. Within six months of starting I’d had to recruit an entirely new team and my boss was on maternity leave. I’m still getting to grips with what my job actually is and how to do it well in a very difficult and different environment to the ones I’ve worked in before. I’ve taken things on that I’d have shied away from a year ago which makes me proud but at the same time I’m not happy with what I’m achieving at the moment. I’ve always been an overachiever so that’s quite a hard thing to admit, particularly as I’m not sure how to turn things around.

This isn’t to say 2015 has been all bad because that’s absolutely not true and despite all the woes I’m still astoundingly lucky. My sister got married in July which was amazing, not least because I officially gained a fantastic brother-in-law! I discovered that I actually like running and completed three 10k races and two triathlons. And we adopted a new dog – a handsome French hound called Marlowe who is a constant source of joy despite the fact he’s an inveterate thief. All the same it’s a year I’m happy to consign to history.

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Marlowe!

It’s a little hard for me to jump on the “new year, new start” bandwagon again this year, as you might imagine. We’re moving house in less than a week and whilst I know I should be excited part of me is still in crisis mode, waiting for the moment when something goes wrong. I’ve always been an optimist but I’m finding it hard to look ahead at all at the moment, let alone with positivity. So my resolutions for 2016 are incredibly simple: more fitness, more happiness. Nothing world-changing, nothing earth-shattering but perhaps sometimes that’s ok.

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